Been a long time, buddies...But you didn't think I'd leave you for good, did ya? No. I just wouldn't. Especially not when I get letters like this:
Dear Princess K: (Well, actually he didn't say that part, but he should have, because that would be much more polite than just "hi.")
My name is...Pete. (Yeah, sure it is, buddy.)
I have very little money and since my divorce have learned to enjoy my alone time anytime I want it. I've given up dating for right now, but I'm worried because I'm in my mid-forties and still enjoy sex. How do I find a sexy woman who will put up with me having very little money and respect my "space?"Now, let's be perfectly clear. I can solve Pete's problem with one
click, but that wouldn't be very columnist-like of me now, would it?
In an effort to come up with a competent answer to Pete's question, I spent a long time staring at it. And the more I stared, the more I realized that he's not really asking for what he says he's asking for at all! It took some time, and some
insight, but sure enough, I translated Pete's letter into an honest question. Let's look at Pete's letter together line by line, and see if we can get to the bottom of this. Shall we?
"My name is....Pete."My name is Kevin.
"I have very little money and since my divorce have learned to enjoy my alone time anytime I want it."My wife took me for every penny when she caught me with my secretarty. Now I play my Xbox a lot. No, seriously. A
lot. I am a Cellar Dweller.
"I've given up dating for now...."I hit on this girl at the gas station, and she said no...
"...but I'm worried because I'm in my mid-forties and still enjoy sex."...but I'm still looking, because I am a Man, and I will not be shot down, dammit!
"How can I find a sexy woman who will put up with me having very little money and still respect my need for 'space'?"How can I find a smart, pretty woman who will put out for me and want nothing whatsoever in return?
Oooooh, Pete. This is tough. Really tough. Partly because I don't think you're such a bad guy. I, myself am very happily married, but there are days when I want to crack open a cold beer, throw it away, and down a bottle of vodka. There are days that it's so hard to tolerate another request. I just want a personal space bubble. And I imagine, that if my marriage did end, I would rebel against the kept lifestyle for awhile. I can understand that you just want to live your life
the way you want to live. I can respect that. A little.
What I have trouble with is this: You want a lot, but you haven't said anything about what you're willing to give to get it. On one hand, you could abandon your status as a decent guy (if you have such status), and find yourself an
insecure younger woman. I want to be clear: this is mean. Really mean. But you didn't ask me what a decent guy would do. You asked me how to find someone who doesn't know what she wants. You'll be able to identify the type of girl who will fulfill the young and desperate criteria easily--you'll find her sitting next to the pool table at your neighborhood sports bar, crying her eyes out and smoking menthols by the carton.
Had you asked me what a great guy in the same situation would do,this is what I would have said: somewhere out there is a hot mama who has issues with commitment, likes sex, and doesn't care about your poverty or Play Station addiction. But in order to find her, you'll have to do what everyone else does when they're looking for their perfect match: Date. Sorry.
There are days......when you will wake up
cranky, crabby, and crusty. There are days you wake up
full of shit.
These are not the days for job interviews, Maxwell.
Tune in tomorrow for a full report on the
do's and
do not's of interviewing.
Unsolicited Advice:Pink lipstick looks good on everybody.
Everybody.
Next: A Lesson In Jealousy
Finally! I get a submission formatted as a letter! I feel bona fide, baby!
Princess K:
I was wondering if you have any advice for how I can get over being jealous. My boyfriend is very loving and wonderful and I know he would never cheat on me. I know my jealousy doesn't actually have anything to do with him or our relationship. I guess it is just based on my own insecurities and problems from past relationships. I feel really guilty when I get jealous but I don't know how to stop!
Sincerely,
The Green Eyed Monster
I'm so happy to respond to this, I can't even tell you.
Dear Green Eyed Monster,
First of all, don't feel bad for being jealous. Chances are, you've got a reason, and whether it's valid or not, it's real. While a more ethical advice columnist might tell you that you need to recognize what your own insecurities are and work through them in order to get rid of them, I am not just ANY advice columnist. My advice is not only bad. It's a hoot! I can't eliminate your jealousy, but I can help you have a blast being jealous. And that's worth something, isn't it?
So I've compiled a brief list of suggestions designed to put the fun back in dysfunctional. Here you are:
- Spy. Your boyfriend may indeed be a wonderful man who does not merit your distrust. So why not prove it to yourself? There are a whole host of gadgets designed to help you figure out where he's going and what he's doing. A few ideas:
- Install software on his computer that will allow you to trace his IMs, emails, and more.
- Track his car. Those nights he tells you he's working late? Find out where he really is. You just install this cool little device in his car, and you can track his whereabouts on the web!
- Hidden cameras, baby! I'm a big fan of this one, a darling little Sony alarm clock that conveniently wakes you up and spies on him! Fun!
Spying is not for everyone. I'll be honest. He may think you're a psycho if he finds out, but that's okay. You'll simply smile and explain that all women are psychos, and he'll understand (if he knows what's good for him). Plus, the techniques you'll learn here will serve you well when you apply for that job at the CIA.
- Spy some more. Sitcoms are MADE of this kind of spying. And everyone wants their life to feel like a sitcom, right? Dress in camo and hide in the bushes when he goes out on those "business lunches." Put your binoculars up against the restaurant window, right by his table. When he catches you, give him your most seductive wink and smile. It's your own special way of telling him, "I love you so much..." and "I'm watching you, buddy", all at the same time!!!!
- Convince him that you truly are the most desirable woman in the world. This is a much more genteel approach than the ones I mentioned earlier, so it might be good to try this first. You've heard the adage that a tired man is a faithful man, right? Dress just a little more suggestively than usual. Wink at your waiter. Get yourself some hot new skivvies and put out, for God's Sake!
- Feed him. My grandmother always used to tell me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...(okay, granny never said that and she was bitterly divorced, anyway, but I figured it would lend some cred to the story if someone old and wise said this). I would suggest a dish such as devilled eggs with lots and lots and lots of horseradish, because with the gas he'll have, nobody will want him but you.
- Improve your own self-image. I only say this because any good advice columnist would. Since I am not, however, a good advice columnist, I will disclose that my methods are different than most. I own a lifesize cardboard cutout of Pamela Anderson, back in her Baywatch days. I have beheaded it. Whenever I'm feeling less than comfortable about my body image, I simply stand behind it and enjoy my darling face on her perfect body. Sort of real-time Photoshopping, if you will. If I'm really having a bad day, I'll set the autotimer on my camera and take a photo of myself behind my cutout. The good news is, I've only been caught once. The pics are floating around on the internet, but I'll leave it to you to figure out where...
So there you are, my green-eyed friend. Follow these simple steps, and you may not know any more about his undying faithfulness than you do today, but at least you'll be too busy to wonder.
Love Forever,
Princess K
Send your questions to helpagirlout@hotmail.com!
And we've got a taker...Stephen asked:
Princess K:How can I get all the girls like [mutual friend] does?
Thanks,
Stephen
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that Stephen actually didn't sign his name, nor did he address his post to me in such a formal manner. But I wouldn't be an advice columnist if it wasn't in letter form, so I had to take liberties. Geez, Stephen.
I should also disclose that I know Stephen from
43Things, which is among my favorite time-wasters in the world. So please don't think I'm cool or anything. Stephen was doing me a favor. This is a Pity Post.
Nevertheless, I've got a job to do, and so I will answer Stephen's question with the vim and vigor of
Dear Abby, all the wordiness of
Carolyn Hax, and all of the ethical concerns of
Dan Savage. Here we go...ahem...
Dear Stephen,
How sweet that you don't just want to get some of the girls! It truly is much better to have all of them! Just think about it...your friends can all stay home with their loving wives and children whilst you spend the night pondering which flaky broad you'd like on your arm! Darling!
Which brings me to a very, very important point: the first step to getting
all the girls is picking the
right girls. Intelligent women with high self-esteem are unlikely to want to share you (hell, they're unlikely to want you in the first place!), so I'd begin by singling in on beatiful girls who are dumb and insecure despite any successes they may have (
example). Got a few ideas? Great! Now here's how you get her in your slimy little paws...
The old adage that women love a bad boy is widely regarded to be true, and there are dozens of theories as to why. Namely, psychologists/advice columnists/self-help authors will say that a woman wants to be so important that she alone can change a man.
I think it's all bunk. Women don't want a bad boy, or every asshole sipping a
PBR at your local watering hole would be bringing the hotties home. But they're not. They're bringing home women with bad perms, mall bangs, and large buttocks. Why? Because "bad boys" are over-rated.
What women really want is to be wooed by a smart, ambitious, successful, and very interested man...for two days. I'll explain.
Remember in seventh grade when you spent two years pining over Pamela Jones? You wrote her love letters, carried her books, listened while she cried about her poor, poor puppy's case of mange? You tried so hard, didn't you?And the cold-hearted wench didn't even notice. Why?
She was busy chasing Jason Smith, the all-star four-season athlete, honor-roll student with a great wardrobe who never spoke to her. You may think it was because he was smarter, suaver, more physically attractive, and better-dressed than you are, but you're wrong. He simply played his cards better.
Like you, he cared about Pamela. Deeply. The difference is, he cared about Pamela for a very brief period of time, and you kept caring. Relationship analysts are dead wrong when they say women want to feel like they're the one who can "change a man". Nonsense! Women want to figure out what they did wrong to change him back to the way he was when they first met. If he's already demonstrated that he can treat us well, we'll do whatever we have to in order to make him treat us that way again.
Here is your Step-By-Step Guide to Playing a Woman (or several, if you prefer):
Meet her. But beware: a very "safe" first impression is in order. No
bad pickup lines, or you'll end up going home with Miss Mall Bangs and waking up with a Pabst hangover. Here's a good place to look for some
icebreakers.
Woo her. Women are not nearly as complicated as men think we are. We want to be smart, successful, beautiful, good people. And we enjoy men who recognize us as such. Listen to her. Ogle at her eyes (subtly!). Laugh at her jokes (but not too much). Ask questions about her job, and tell her you'd never be able to multitask the way she does. Exchange phone numbers, then wait a few days and ask her to dinner.
Wine and dine. Bring her somewhere hip, but not hugely well-known. Somewhere classy, but not insanely expensive. Get a bottle of the second-best wine on the wine-list (the best wine would imply you were putting on a show). Tell her it's your favorite, and you know she'll love it. Repeat step two.
Send a cutesy thank-you gift after your date. Flowers, maybe, but only if you've already told her that calla lilies are your favorite, too...and you include a quick note about how great it is that you have so much in common. Nothing too expensive or over the top. Just something fun and non-threatening.
Date two. Here's where the real work begins...be careful here. On this date, you must convince her that you adore the idea of marrying her in five years, without ever under any circumstance uttering anything about marriage or children. Notice how nurturing when she talks about her cat, and act a little embarrassed when you tell her how cute she is about him. When she admits to you that she has a good time with you, smile and summon the waiter. Order the best bottle of wine on the list, this time. Tell her it's a reason to celebrate when a girl like her says something like that. She'll be coming home with you tonight.
Sleep with her. But first, spend two hours rubbing her back and commenting on how amazing the curve of her ankle is. When you've done the deed, cuddle for hours. Talk to her. Let her into your soul.
Don't call back. Ever. She'll spend weeks trying to figure out what she did wrong. Zing! you've got her hooked. Next time you run into her, tell her how much you've been thinking about her. Repeat process until you're tired of her. And there you are....
Mean? Maybe...but I never said I was here to give good advice. Just the facts.
Best of luck to you, Stephen...
Alright, here's my story:
I am a busybody. I like to know what's going on, and I
always have an opinion.... I'm usually wrong, though, which is why I've learned to keep my mouth shut. And ya know what? I'm
tired of keeping quiet! I want to know all the secrets!!!!
So I'll make you all a deal--you write to me with your most heartfelt questions. I will respond by giving bad advice. You do the exact OPPOSITE of what I advise you to do. Everyone wins! I feel like I've made my difference in the world, you clear your mind of the secrets that it keeps, and then ignore my advice!
Fabu! I may just be a famous advice columnist, yet!
