Stephen asked:
Princess K:
How can I get all the girls like [mutual friend] does?
Thanks,
Stephen
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I should tell you that Stephen actually didn't sign his name, nor did he address his post to me in such a formal manner. But I wouldn't be an advice columnist if it wasn't in letter form, so I had to take liberties. Geez, Stephen.
I should also disclose that I know Stephen from 43Things, which is among my favorite time-wasters in the world. So please don't think I'm cool or anything. Stephen was doing me a favor. This is a Pity Post.
Nevertheless, I've got a job to do, and so I will answer Stephen's question with the vim and vigor of Dear Abby, all the wordiness of Carolyn Hax, and all of the ethical concerns of Dan Savage. Here we go...ahem...
Dear Stephen,
How sweet that you don't just want to get some of the girls! It truly is much better to have all of them! Just think about it...your friends can all stay home with their loving wives and children whilst you spend the night pondering which flaky broad you'd like on your arm! Darling!
Which brings me to a very, very important point: the first step to getting all the girls is picking the right girls. Intelligent women with high self-esteem are unlikely to want to share you (hell, they're unlikely to want you in the first place!), so I'd begin by singling in on beatiful girls who are dumb and insecure despite any successes they may have (example). Got a few ideas? Great! Now here's how you get her in your slimy little paws...
The old adage that women love a bad boy is widely regarded to be true, and there are dozens of theories as to why. Namely, psychologists/advice columnists/self-help authors will say that a woman wants to be so important that she alone can change a man.
I think it's all bunk. Women don't want a bad boy, or every asshole sipping a PBR at your local watering hole would be bringing the hotties home. But they're not. They're bringing home women with bad perms, mall bangs, and large buttocks. Why? Because "bad boys" are over-rated.
What women really want is to be wooed by a smart, ambitious, successful, and very interested man...for two days. I'll explain.
Remember in seventh grade when you spent two years pining over Pamela Jones? You wrote her love letters, carried her books, listened while she cried about her poor, poor puppy's case of mange? You tried so hard, didn't you?And the cold-hearted wench didn't even notice. Why?
She was busy chasing Jason Smith, the all-star four-season athlete, honor-roll student with a great wardrobe who never spoke to her. You may think it was because he was smarter, suaver, more physically attractive, and better-dressed than you are, but you're wrong. He simply played his cards better.
Like you, he cared about Pamela. Deeply. The difference is, he cared about Pamela for a very brief period of time, and you kept caring. Relationship analysts are dead wrong when they say women want to feel like they're the one who can "change a man". Nonsense! Women want to figure out what they did wrong to change him back to the way he was when they first met. If he's already demonstrated that he can treat us well, we'll do whatever we have to in order to make him treat us that way again.
Here is your Step-By-Step Guide to Playing a Woman (or several, if you prefer):
- Meet her. But beware: a very "safe" first impression is in order. No bad pickup lines, or you'll end up going home with Miss Mall Bangs and waking up with a Pabst hangover. Here's a good place to look for some icebreakers.
- Woo her. Women are not nearly as complicated as men think we are. We want to be smart, successful, beautiful, good people. And we enjoy men who recognize us as such. Listen to her. Ogle at her eyes (subtly!). Laugh at her jokes (but not too much). Ask questions about her job, and tell her you'd never be able to multitask the way she does. Exchange phone numbers, then wait a few days and ask her to dinner.
- Wine and dine. Bring her somewhere hip, but not hugely well-known. Somewhere classy, but not insanely expensive. Get a bottle of the second-best wine on the wine-list (the best wine would imply you were putting on a show). Tell her it's your favorite, and you know she'll love it. Repeat step two.
- Send a cutesy thank-you gift after your date. Flowers, maybe, but only if you've already told her that calla lilies are your favorite, too...and you include a quick note about how great it is that you have so much in common. Nothing too expensive or over the top. Just something fun and non-threatening.
- Date two. Here's where the real work begins...be careful here. On this date, you must convince her that you adore the idea of marrying her in five years, without ever under any circumstance uttering anything about marriage or children. Notice how nurturing when she talks about her cat, and act a little embarrassed when you tell her how cute she is about him. When she admits to you that she has a good time with you, smile and summon the waiter. Order the best bottle of wine on the list, this time. Tell her it's a reason to celebrate when a girl like her says something like that. She'll be coming home with you tonight.
- Sleep with her. But first, spend two hours rubbing her back and commenting on how amazing the curve of her ankle is. When you've done the deed, cuddle for hours. Talk to her. Let her into your soul.
- Don't call back. Ever. She'll spend weeks trying to figure out what she did wrong. Zing! you've got her hooked. Next time you run into her, tell her how much you've been thinking about her. Repeat process until you're tired of her. And there you are....
Mean? Maybe...but I never said I was here to give good advice. Just the facts.
Best of luck to you, Stephen...
posted by PrincessK @ 10:58 AM
1 Comments:
ouch! You linked me to Britney Spears and now I'm so traumatized I can't read the rest of your advice to Stephen. Or whatever his name was. Some warning, please!
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