Help a Girl Out, Will Ya?

1. Spy. Your boyfriend may indeed be a wonderful man who does not merit your distrust. So why not prove it to yourself? There are a whole host of gadgets designed to help you figure out where he's going and what he's doing. A few ideas:

• Install software on his computer that will allow you to trace his IMs, emails, and more.
• Track his car. Those nights he tells you he's working late? Find out where he really is. You just install this cool little device in his car, and you can track his whereabouts on the web!
• Hidden cameras, baby! I'm a big fan of this one, a darling little Sony alarm clock that conveniently wakes you up and spies on him! Fun!

Spying is not for everyone. I'll be honest. He may think you're a psycho if he finds out, but that's okay. You'll simply smile and explain that all women are psychos, and he'll understand (if he knows what's good for him). Plus, the techniques you'll learn here will serve you well when you apply for that job at the CIA.

1. Spy some more. Sitcoms are MADE of this kind of spying. And everyone wants their life to feel like a sitcom, right? Dress in camo and hide in the bushes when he goes out on those "business lunches." Put your binoculars up against the restaurant window, right by his table. When he catches you, give him your most seductive wink and smile. It's your own special way of telling him, "I love you so much..." and "I'm watching you, buddy", all at the same time!!!!
2. Convince him that you truly are the most desirable woman in the world. This is a much more genteel approach than the ones I mentioned earlier, so it might be good to try this first. You've heard the adage that a tired man is a faithful man, right? Dress just a little more suggestively than usual. Wink at your waiter. Get yourself some hot new skivvies and put out, for God's Sake!
3. Feed him. My grandmother always used to tell me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...(okay, granny never said that and she was bitterly divorced, anyway, but I figured it would lend some cred to the story if someone old and wise said this). I would suggest a dish such as devilled eggs with lots and lots and lots of horseradish, because with the gas he'll have, nobody will want him but you.
4. Improve your own self-image. I only say this because any good advice columnist would. Since I am not, however, a good advice columnist, I will disclose that my methods are different than most. I own a lifesize cardboard cutout of Pamela Anderson, back in her Baywatch days. I have beheaded it. Whenever I'm feeling less than comfortable about my body image, I simply stand behind it and enjoy my darling face on her perfect body. Sort of real-time Photoshopping, if you will. If I'm really having a bad day, I'll set the autotimer on my camera and take a photo of myself behind my cutout. The good news is, I've only been caught once. The pics are floating around on the internet, but I'll leave it to you to figure out where...

So there you are, my green-eyed friend. Follow these simple steps, and you may not know any more about his undying faithfulness than you do today, but at least you'll be too busy to wonder.

Love Forever,

Princess K

Send your questions to helpagirlout@hotmail.com!

posted by PrincessK @ 11:44 AM