Help a Girl Out, Will Ya?

1. Spy. Your boyfriend may indeed be a wonderful man who does not merit your distrust. So why not prove it to yourself? There are a whole host of gadgets designed to help you figure out where he's going and what he's doing. A few ideas:

• Install software on his computer that will allow you to trace his IMs, emails, and more.
• Track his car. Those nights he tells you he's working late? Find out where he really is. You just install this cool little device in his car, and you can track his whereabouts on the web!
• Hidden cameras, baby! I'm a big fan of this one, a darling little Sony alarm clock that conveniently wakes you up and spies on him! Fun!

Spying is not for everyone. I'll be honest. He may think you're a psycho if he finds out, but that's okay. You'll simply smile and explain that all women are psychos, and he'll understand (if he knows what's good for him). Plus, the techniques you'll learn here will serve you well when you apply for that job at the CIA.

1. Spy some more. Sitcoms are MADE of this kind of spying. And everyone wants their life to feel like a sitcom, right? Dress in camo and hide in the bushes when he goes out on those "business lunches." Put your binoculars up against the restaurant window, right by his table. When he catches you, give him your most seductive wink and smile. It's your own special way of telling him, "I love you so much..." and "I'm watching you, buddy", all at the same time!!!!
2. Convince him that you truly are the most desirable woman in the world. This is a much more genteel approach than the ones I mentioned earlier, so it might be good to try this first. You've heard the adage that a tired man is a faithful man, right? Dress just a little more suggestively than usual. Wink at your waiter. Get yourself some hot new skivvies and put out, for God's Sake!
3. Feed him. My grandmother always used to tell me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...(okay, granny never said that and she was bitterly divorced, anyway, but I figured it would lend some cred to the story if someone old and wise said this). I would suggest a dish such as devilled eggs with lots and lots and lots of horseradish, because with the gas he'll have, nobody will want him but you.
4. Improve your own self-image. I only say this because any good advice columnist would. Since I am not, however, a good advice columnist, I will disclose that my methods are different than most. I own a lifesize cardboard cutout of Pamela Anderson, back in her Baywatch days. I have beheaded it. Whenever I'm feeling less than comfortable about my body image, I simply stand behind it and enjoy my darling face on her perfect body. Sort of real-time Photoshopping, if you will. If I'm really having a bad day, I'll set the autotimer on my camera and take a photo of myself behind my cutout. The good news is, I've only been caught once. The pics are floating around on the internet, but I'll leave it to you to figure out where...

So there you are, my green-eyed friend. Follow these simple steps, and you may not know any more about his undying faithfulness than you do today, but at least you'll be too busy to wonder.

Love Forever,

Princess K

Send your questions to helpagirlout@hotmail.com!

posted by PrincessK @ 11:44 AM 1 comments

1. Meet her. But beware: a very "safe" first impression is in order. No bad pickup lines, or you'll end up going home with Miss Mall Bangs and waking up with a Pabst hangover. Here's a good place to look for some icebreakers.
2. Woo her. Women are not nearly as complicated as men think we are. We want to be smart, successful, beautiful, good people. And we enjoy men who recognize us as such. Listen to her. Ogle at her eyes (subtly!). Laugh at her jokes (but not too much). Ask questions about her job, and tell her you'd never be able to multitask the way she does. Exchange phone numbers, then wait a few days and ask her to dinner.
3. Wine and dine. Bring her somewhere hip, but not hugely well-known. Somewhere classy, but not insanely expensive. Get a bottle of the second-best wine on the wine-list (the best wine would imply you were putting on a show). Tell her it's your favorite, and you know she'll love it. Repeat step two.
4. Send a cutesy thank-you gift after your date. Flowers, maybe, but only if you've already told her that calla lilies are your favorite, too...and you include a quick note about how great it is that you have so much in common. Nothing too expensive or over the top. Just something fun and non-threatening.
5. Date two. Here's where the real work begins...be careful here. On this date, you must convince her that you adore the idea of marrying her in five years, without ever under any circumstance uttering anything about marriage or children. Notice how nurturing when she talks about her cat, and act a little embarrassed when you tell her how cute she is about him. When she admits to you that she has a good time with you, smile and summon the waiter. Order the best bottle of wine on the list, this time. Tell her it's a reason to celebrate when a girl like her says something like that. She'll be coming home with you tonight.
6. Sleep with her. But first, spend two hours rubbing her back and commenting on how amazing the curve of her ankle is. When you've done the deed, cuddle for hours. Talk to her. Let her into your soul.
7. Don't call back. Ever. She'll spend weeks trying to figure out what she did wrong. Zing! you've got her hooked. Next time you run into her, tell her how much you've been thinking about her. Repeat process until you're tired of her. And there you are....

Mean? Maybe...but I never said I was here to give good advice. Just the facts.

Best of luck to you, Stephen...

posted by PrincessK @ 10:58 AM 1 comments

posted by PrincessK @ 12:41 PM 0 comments

posted by PrincessK @ 11:33 AM 4 comments