But you didn't think I'd leave you for good, did ya? No. I just wouldn't. Especially not when I get letters like this:
Dear Princess K: (Well, actually he didn't say that part, but he should have, because that would be much more polite than just "hi.")
My name is...Pete. (Yeah, sure it is, buddy.) I have very little money and since my divorce have learned to enjoy my alone time anytime I want it. I've given up dating for right now, but I'm worried because I'm in my mid-forties and still enjoy sex. How do I find a sexy woman who will put up with me having very little money and respect my "space?"
Now, let's be perfectly clear. I can solve Pete's problem with one click, but that wouldn't be very columnist-like of me now, would it?
In an effort to come up with a competent answer to Pete's question, I spent a long time staring at it. And the more I stared, the more I realized that he's not really asking for what he says he's asking for at all! It took some time, and some insight, but sure enough, I translated Pete's letter into an honest question. Let's look at Pete's letter together line by line, and see if we can get to the bottom of this. Shall we?
"My name is....Pete."
My name is Kevin.
"I have very little money and since my divorce have learned to enjoy my alone time anytime I want it."
My wife took me for every penny when she caught me with my secretarty. Now I play my Xbox a lot. No, seriously. A lot. I am a Cellar Dweller.
"I've given up dating for now...."
I hit on this girl at the gas station, and she said no...
"...but I'm worried because I'm in my mid-forties and still enjoy sex."
...but I'm still looking, because I am a Man, and I will not be shot down, dammit!
"How can I find a sexy woman who will put up with me having very little money and still respect my need for 'space'?"
How can I find a smart, pretty woman who will put out for me and want nothing whatsoever in return?
Oooooh, Pete. This is tough. Really tough. Partly because I don't think you're such a bad guy. I, myself am very happily married, but there are days when I want to crack open a cold beer, throw it away, and down a bottle of vodka. There are days that it's so hard to tolerate another request. I just want a personal space bubble. And I imagine, that if my marriage did end, I would rebel against the kept lifestyle for awhile. I can understand that you just want to live your life the way you want to live. I can respect that. A little.
What I have trouble with is this: You want a lot, but you haven't said anything about what you're willing to give to get it. On one hand, you could abandon your status as a decent guy (if you have such status), and find yourself an insecure younger woman. I want to be clear: this is mean. Really mean. But you didn't ask me what a decent guy would do. You asked me how to find someone who doesn't know what she wants. You'll be able to identify the type of girl who will fulfill the young and desperate criteria easily--you'll find her sitting next to the pool table at your neighborhood sports bar, crying her eyes out and smoking menthols by the carton.
Had you asked me what a great guy in the same situation would do,this is what I would have said: somewhere out there is a hot mama who has issues with commitment, likes sex, and doesn't care about your poverty or Play Station addiction. But in order to find her, you'll have to do what everyone else does when they're looking for their perfect match: Date. Sorry.
posted by PrincessK @ 3:50 PM
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